Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
