Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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