i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
