Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
