The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
