hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
