No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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