I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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