When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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