i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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