well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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