i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
