I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
