splinters make it hard to masturbate
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
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I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
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I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
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