So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Randomize
