Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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