My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
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