I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You pole danced in your parka.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
