i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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