I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
