Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize