just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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