I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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