Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
