This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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