you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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