be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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