I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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