maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
