is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
