He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
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She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
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There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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