I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
