On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
