Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
