I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I could make wine with my vomit
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
