guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
