i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
