We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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