so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
