no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Who died my cat blue again?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
