turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
