thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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