Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
What a dumb baby whore.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
