There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I want to fling myself into the sun
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
