I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
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