I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
