hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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