I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
