your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
