i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Randomize
