Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Ladies don't puke and tell
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize