4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
