I think i peed on brittanys purse
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
