I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
