worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
