I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
third nipple confirmed
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
