Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
