For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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