I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
