all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
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