found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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