that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
