i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
