when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
