My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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